Things my toddler did today

1. Took a poop in the middle of his bedroom floor, then stepped in it and took off running

2. Peed in the laundry basket

3. Very politely said, “You’re welcome” when my husband shouted “thank you” at the dog for barking at the neighbors.

Manners.

Uber

My Uber driver to the airport today was driving a brand new car, so clean and empty it could have come right off the dealer’s lot, except for the naked lady air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. Bold choice

5 actual quotes from the ophthalmologist I will no longer be going to

1. (After keeping me waiting in the chair for an hour) “It’s a good thing I’m not an OB/GYN, or you’d have had the baby by now.” (Also, I’m not pregnant)

2. “They don’t teach you how to do this in medical school”

3. “This is going to be pretty bloody”

4. “You can’t move, or I might stick this needle in your eye”

5. “I can ask your insurance if we can do the procedure with sedatives, but I doubt they have coverage for ’emotional reasons’.”